about two months later...

 ... hi again. This return to blogging is really not working out, is it? Actually, I am writing, three pages of mind vomit and affirmations pretty much every morning. Been doing that for months now. Not sure if it's doing anything for me. The affirmations are cool though. I've created and written numerous lines about the massage clients I attract, about my worth, etc. And I see the results. Like I said, pretty cool. But anyway. The blogging is not coming to me. Doesn't help there's no official app to use on the phone. I downloaded two other apps, but they didn't jive well with me. I'll still access one of them, I have to remember which one I granted access to my photos, in order to get an image for this post.

What else have I blogged about...?

I'm pretty consistent with my two bottles of water intake. Go me! Can't make it to 2.5 let alone 3 yet, though. 

I've slowed down on the book reading. Okay I've stopped. I did pick up some trauma-related books, and I read some chapters, but there was no way I was going to make my way through the whole thing. But today, I finally cracked open a book by my friend, author T. L. Woodliff. I've had the book since well before COVID, and never got around to picking it up. The one time before this that I looked for it I couldn't find it, even though it was right there on the shelf. I guess it wasn't the time for me to read it then. Today I decided to get it down from the shelf, and start reading. Finished the first two chapters, and I definitely want to read more. 

I am now mom to a 12- and an 11- year old, they both had birthdays recently. Born 13 months apart, life was SO HARD when they were little. I don't miss those days. I occasionally remember those times, and for the most part it's hard not to remember the stress of essentially single parenting while not knowing that the heck I was doing, and being buffetted by my past and not recognising it, and omg what a mess it was. Nowadays it's a different type of hard. Not so deep and despairing. I'm finally on an even keel, and no longer having to tiptoe around a partner's ego. I wouldn't have chosen the single life, but it's also the best thing that's happened to me in a long time, as painful as it has been. 

Life is pretty stable. I'm looking to the future and thinking about getting us our passports. I think it's safe to bet that within the next 5 years I'll take the kids out of the country, at least to Switzerland if not Malaysia. I have enough saved up to afford the trip. It's just a matter of timing. And planning. We take a lot of medications, the three of us, I'd be a walking pharmacy, and just that already gives me pause. I do need to make a trip to Malaysia, whether solo or with the kiddos. The last time I made the trip to Malaysia (and Switzerland) it was Sept/Oct 2013. I still remember how badly I needed a vacation after that, but never got one, and had to just hit the ground running, and yeah, about a year later I finally realised I needed help and started seeing a mental health therapist. What a journey since then.

Well, I'm sure I'll be back again. Just not making any promises as to when. 

water

​I’ve been consistently drinking 2 bottles of water for a while now. Noticing it’s getting more difficult to do so, like, I’m more hydrated so I don’t feel like drinking? 😳 still pushing through though. 

This is one of the small yet large promises to myself I’m keeping. Hoping to make it to 3 bottles consistently. My new target is 2.5 bottles consistently. Consistently is the key word here. :)

I'm reading again

 It's an uphill battle, rather like my blogging return, but yes, I'm reading again.

I don't remember* how this popped on my radar, but I read Nettle & Bone at the end of September. (* Now that I type it, I think it was a recommendation by A Mighty Girl on Facebook). A great fairy tale like story.

After that I somehow discovered the Magisterium series, and ended up going through all five of the books in the span of a couple of weeks, and the last three over a weekend. My therapist asked who/what I related to seeing how I consumed it. I don't know, in a way it was just something to read. I was reading for pleasure as well as "research" ... I am playing around with the idea of revisiting my Malaysian vampire in Chicago novel, which I set aside in 2009 or so, after I realised I was essentially rewriting my own life, and that there was no use pursuing it since it couldn't be published until some family members were on the other side of the veil.

I just finished Ghostlight by Marion Zimmer Bradley. It was ok. Here's my Good Reads review:

Ghostlight by Marion Zimmer Bradley
My rating: 3 of 5 stars

This was a dense book. Lots of details. I liked the setup of Truth being a paranormal analyst crunching numbers who didn't believe in magick, but who is drawn further and further into magickal shenanigans.

I hesitated when I saw this was considered a combination of romance with urban fantasy as I have little patience for romance, but the little there was didn't detract much from the story.

Overall a decent read, and I'm ambivalent about going on to other books in this series.

View all my reviews

I was curious what other novels she had written, as I know her primarily for The Mists of Avalon. Speaking of which, that's the next one to be read, reread actually, for the umpteenth time. It's been too long since I last read it. This book had such an impact on me when I first picked it up in college while taking an Arthurian Romance class. The whole concept of retelling the tale from the female characters' perspectives blew my mind, and the earth-based spirituality too. Can't wait to dive in again.

OMG it's been a month. Sigh. Maybe this comeback isn't working out after all...

 I found this meme/image saved as a draft post, apparently I was planning a post around this. No idea what pithy words I had in mind now, lol. 

I've had pretty eventful times, including a minivan with DANGER ENGINE OVERHEATING warnings, that was fun. Hopefully it's all sorted out now. I have to move forward as if I believe it is, my anxiety doesn't need yet another things to perseverate and catastrophize about....

What's on my mind today? It's the new moon, a good time for goal-setting. I don't have any goals. No wonder I feel stuck. I have nothing to move towards. Life is filled with work, and surviving. I've come a long way, but in no way am I thriving right now. So I'm wondering what goals to set for myself. 

Okay actually it just occurred to me that I do have a couple of financial goals established with my financial coach, but getting there means work and budgeting, which I'm doing as I can (taking the summer off was of course hard on the bank account). Save enough for a house down payment within the next 5 years. Seems unattainable when I have yet to properly set aside anything for this. Money has always just slipped between my fingers, I don't have a good grasp of it. Hence the financial coach. 

Part of me wants to sit for the SATs or something like that, so I am forced to study and crack all that rust off of my brain. What else can I work toward that would stimulate my brain and intellect??? Any ideas?

Fifty

 So I've lived this current lifetime, on this planet, for 50 years already.

I'm nowhere where I thought I would be if you asked me 5 years ago. Two years ago, even. We are nearing the two year mark of when my world fell apart. I'll be in the midst of another Breathwork weekend for this wretched anniversary, and the timing couldn't be better. My best healing is done through Shamanic Breathwork. 

But still. None of my past selves would have imagined me as I am now, navigating the single parent to two kids with additional needs kind of life.

I know I'm better off mentally, spiritually, than I have ever been. Even as I'm stressed about adulting stuff I'd not needed to worry about for a long time, once I got married. 

I've been in a funk for a while. Hoping my starting work again will help shift some energy around. I continue to struggle to implement any sort of consistent routine for myself. I have some down time now, though, so I'll sign off and meditate for a bit.

Ciao

Lynne 7:05am

No more room

 A year ago, I committed to a lease for a massage room. I was done playing small and working out of friends' offices. I wanted my own space. Found a room at a reasonable rate, moved my stuff in, and ... ... froze? The reality of having to put myself out there (whatever that means) froze me.  I was supposed to also step into coaching, instead I was overcome by imposter syndrome almost immediately. Other services I wanted to expand into just didn't happen.

Today, I just moved all my stuff out.

I tried. I might not have given it my 100%, but I tried. It didn't work out.

I'm glad I tried it out, though.

But how I am going to survive, you ask? I am also employed at a local massage salon, and the relatively steady work and paycheck are what I need right now. I'm also working with a financial coach to get my finances in order, and start saving up for a house down payment. Scary thought, but hey I can save and use it for something else, like return plane tickets to my birth country, maybe. 

Anyway. I'm done for today. It's just past 1pm and I don't plan to do anything except read and doomscroll on FB.

Ciao!

Lynne

1:05pm

School!

The kids are back in school!

First thing on my calendar? A massage!

Exclamation points!!

Seriously though, wow, we made it through the summer. Giving myself a nice pat on the back. 

Entering 6th Grade, T1 starts JUNIOR HIGH / MIDDLE SCHOOL. New building, new schedule, new people, long day ... I have no plans for anything this afternoon, I expect him to be utterly knackered once he gets home.

Entering 5th Grade, T2 starts her last year in elementary school. She's not a fan of a couple of her classmates, she forgot her water bottle, refused to pose nicely for a picture this morning ... but I anticipate a smooth day for her. She usually has troubles on the 3rd day, if old patterns still hold true. I don't expect issues, though. 

Glad to have moved into this phase of life again. 

With the kids in school, I can start working again. I start on Monday. My birthday, wheeee!

1:10pm