... more like no-chet

 Crochet? More like no-chet. Seriously. I opened the box, started reading the instructions, and my eyes both glazed over and went cross-eyed. Sigh. So much for that attempt at doing something different. The question now is: hold on to the box in the hopes that I pick up simpler crocheting experience first, or just let it all go?

Lynne

Mon July 11 2022, 11:05am 

Crochet

 Discussing hobbies / things that bring me joy / that are fun, a friend of mine gifted me this:

I remember way back when, in primary school years, I had attempted to crochet, made a couple of lines, messed it up, and never took it up again.

Decades later, I think I'm game to try again.

The Star Wars theme certainly looks fun.

I'll get started ... mañana :)

G'nite!

Lynne 

July 10 2022, 10pm

Work update

 A quick note for today. It's a busy weekend as over the summer I am using my fortnightly kidfree weekends for either work (I'm still a massage therapist) or self-care (Shamanic Breathwork). Today is a work weekend.

Speaking of work... I decided recently to give up my room in BloNo, in addition to throwing in the towel on Yomassage(R), and focus on making a living via the local massage salon where I work when the kids are in school. I'm slowly moving stuff out, selling stuff off. I tried doing this all alone thing, but just didn't have the capacity at this time to give it my all. So I'll withdraw, recoup, and try again in a couple of years. I'm not beating myself up over it: I tried, it didn't work out, I'm moving on.

Currently wearing: one of my massage shirts "KEEP CALM AND LET THE MASSAGE THERAPIST HANDLE IT" 

Peace out

Lynne

Saturday July 9th 2022, 7:05am

Hello there, try #37,256

Testing, testing, one two three years? 
Yeah, three years since my last post. And who knows how long since I last posted regularly? I used to blog daily. Hoping to get back into the habit. Facebook has stolen so many posts that belonged here. I also need to get back into a daily writing habit. Old school attempts with pen and paper peter out reapidly. So here I am. Better to spend some time in front of the laptop screen, I'm sure my doomscrolling on FB won't mind. 
What's new? So many things. I'm now flying solo, with two kids in tow. They are now 10 & 11 years old. The older one is starting Junior High / 6th Grade come August. 

The kids, December 2021

They say time flies when you're having fun. I disagree. Time flies whether you like it or not. The past couple of years have NOT been fun. I'm better off than I ever was, however, so there's that.
Biggest recent news is I'm participating in a collaborative book about COVID experiences, and when that gets released, I'll be a published author! Yes, it counts. And yes, this is one of the reasons I'm pushing myself to write daily again: I have many stories inside me, maybe I can finally get them out into the world. 
In the meantime? Getting through every day while trying to make progresss, however infinitesimal, towards goals relating to fitness, friends, faith, financials, field, family and fun.
Type at you tomorrow. Or Monday. It's a busy weekend. 
Ciao!LynneFriday July 8 2022 9:45 am CST

Of palms and breath ...

Have you had your palms read?

Back in Malaysia, I found out about someone who did deep intense readings. Unlike the image here, what she did was ink your hands, then press them onto paper, in order to properly see all the details. If you follow the image source link you'll see what I mean.

Image source here

I saw her twice.

Among the few things I remember:

• there were three children lines, but she peered closely at them I guess one of them was not like the others, since she speculated one of the lines signified my niece. She was newly born, I think? Maybe I was going to see her (niece) for the first time on the way back to the US via Switzerland? 
• success would come easily / I would be successful at a career that involved a lot of traveling and meeting people. At that point in time I harbored the thought that I might have a book to write. Crap, was it going to happen? Would the traveling be for book signings? Would the people be readers/fans? The socially awkward introvert me cringed. I ended up abandoning the book, for many reasons. In the back of my mind, I wondered about this part of the reading...

Almost a decade later, it occurred to me that the reading was pretty accurate, just... off by a few years. When did it occur to me? As I was driving to Springfield from BloNo, a trip I've done so often over the past two years, and even more so this year. I'd mentioned in the previous post that one of my sanity savers was getting into Shamanic Breathwork (TM). I threw myself into it, attending pretty much every workshop I could, most of them 3-day events involving making sure Kosh was NOT working / on call those days, making sure I had someone on standby in case the school "had issues." I would drop the kids off on a Friday morning then rush to Springfield then not be home till Sunday night. Oh yeah, after my first intense weekend where I found myself weeping within minutes of having left the workshop and facing a long commute home, I decided I needed to push past my comfort zone and ask for help from fellow attendees for a roof over my head / a place to crash for subsequent events.

Image source here

I'm not sure if this is my "career" but it's certainly my focus for the past couple of years; my mental health. And the biggest reason I've come as far as I have is not just the breathwork, but the community that practices it. My tribe, really.

Perhaps this is what was seen in my palms?

Part of me really wants to go back to Malaysia and consult her again. I would have to hope she's not moved office, though, because I can't remember her name, and her contact info is in a non-functioning phone. Who knows when my next trip would be, anyway. Lordy. THAT's another blog post right there... the big trip on 2013, which was the last straw of my mental health. Gah!

Here we go again...

Today is the first day of summer vacation.

My firstborn, known online as Nova or Thing 1, had an amazing 2nd Grade. It was his first year in a Special Education class and a different school than our neighborhood "home" school. My second-born, known online as Nev or Thing Two, had an incredibly tumultuous year, but also ended it on a great note, thankfully. It's amazing what the correct supports can do!

My last blog post was almost two years ago.

When I review my life, I tend to compartmentalize it all. For my childhood, I only have a feel for how old I am based on which house we lived in at the time. Adult life was defined by where I was working. Married life also defined by where we were staying. Then came kids, and it all became a blur: we were in Springfield, then moved to Bloomington-Normal, but I am hard-pressed to tell you when we made the huge ... considering we bought a house, you'd think I'd remember the year, right? Nope. Blur.

But.

May 2017, less than a month after that last blog post, I have seared in my head. Some things I had been squelching finally hit the fan. I was thrown into a major crisis. My mental health was severely taxed.

And.

I dug deep. Reached out. Dragged myself to one Shamanic Breathwork (TM) session, then another, then another. Interviewed therapist after therapist after therapist. Leaned in. And stubbornly took one step after another.

Today I am in a much better place, mentally, than I have ever been.

I still struggle, of course. I utterly suck at daily self-care type things. I am always buffeted and swept away by the kids and their needs.

But it's now summer vacation.

This blog post is one of my ways to get my daily self-care in.

I am determined to get a post a day in over the next couple of weeks.

Get the writing, and creativity, flowing again.

See you tomorrow?

It's been a while...

It's been so long.

Here's what's been going on. I had one kid, then another. Thing One / Nova was my first ever exposure to a kid. I'd never changed a diaper until he came along, and even then I deferred to the hubs or the NICU nurses before I forced myself to overcome that ?fear?.

He is my first. So I always wondered during tough times, was it just me? Or was it also him?

Turns out, it was us both.

Thing One and mommy, about a week ago

He starts First Grade this August. He's currently being (re-)evaluated for an IEP (Individualised Education Plan). ADHD. ODD. ASD. SPD. The journey to these labels was a long one. And still ongoing because I don't think we have it quite right yet. But the labels help. I fought against getting labels. But now I seek them. Anything to help understand. Never in a million years would I have foreseen me medicating my kids. Yet here I am, seeking new meds, getting him a genetic test that should help identify which medications should help him, since the usual suspects seem to lose effectiveness.

So we can help him figure himself out.
So I don't keep reacting to him.
So I can be calm and supportive and nurturing.

Instead of the momster I found myself to be.

Turns out, if you have unresolved issues from childhood, and you have kids, well, those issues are going to make themselves known. 

me today, crying on the kitchen floor

Long story short: I suspect I too have some of his labels. And that they were beaten out of me and/or slapped into submission. I now accept my own labels of depression and anxiety. I have been seeking help. I know I am healing.

But I sure wish healing could take place in a vacuum.

I have missed writing/blogging. It kept me sane(r) way back when. Been trying to get back into it. Damn Facebook gets most of my thoughts.

Today I will try to shift my attention here more.

I hope to see you again.