Wednesday, August 13, 2014

I was moved

Today I was moved to type some supportive words to two friends, relatively new ones (SPI-based, so 5+ years), not close at all really, but I have some fondness/connection/affinity for them for one reason or another ... both sent cries for help** out on FB today ... (** okay maybe not outright cries for help... but let's just say, I empathised with both their written and unwritten words, and was moved to respond with empathy, love and support.

It felt good.

Then it turned / I turned it into something else. Judging myself of narcissism. For needing self validation. Viewing my feeling good about it as a kind of *desperate* self-validation.

Underneath it all, it felt like a small child desperately wanting acknowledgment that "See? I *can* do good. I could matter."

Because a part of me was told / came to believe that I (she) doesn't matter.
That I was never good enough.

(Too Malay.)
(Not Malay enough.)
(and so many and so much more....)

And I feel my brain and heart skitter skitter skitter away.

So today, I also will be spending time with that piece of me. Hugging. Reassuring. Showing her what we've done, what we've achieved, where we are, how we matter. At the same time acknowledging her, and her fears, her hurt, her resentment, her confusion. Her hurt. That's a huge one.

I turn 42 soon. As good an age as any to help my inner children heal, perhaps even assimilate.

I have been broken, so. long.

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Thanks!
*lynne*

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