Here we go again...

Today is the first day of summer vacation.

My firstborn, known online as Nova or Thing 1, had an amazing 2nd Grade. It was his first year in a Special Education class and a different school than our neighborhood "home" school. My second-born, known online as Nev or Thing Two, had an incredibly tumultuous year, but also ended it on a great note, thankfully. It's amazing what the correct supports can do!

My last blog post was almost two years ago.

When I review my life, I tend to compartmentalize it all. For my childhood, I only have a feel for how old I am based on which house we lived in at the time. Adult life was defined by where I was working. Married life also defined by where we were staying. Then came kids, and it all became a blur: we were in Springfield, then moved to Bloomington-Normal, but I am hard-pressed to tell you when we made the huge ... considering we bought a house, you'd think I'd remember the year, right? Nope. Blur.

But.

May 2017, less than a month after that last blog post, I have seared in my head. Some things I had been squelching finally hit the fan. I was thrown into a major crisis. My mental health was severely taxed.

And.

I dug deep. Reached out. Dragged myself to one Shamanic Breathwork (TM) session, then another, then another. Interviewed therapist after therapist after therapist. Leaned in. And stubbornly took one step after another.

Today I am in a much better place, mentally, than I have ever been.

I still struggle, of course. I utterly suck at daily self-care type things. I am always buffeted and swept away by the kids and their needs.

But it's now summer vacation.

This blog post is one of my ways to get my daily self-care in.

I am determined to get a post a day in over the next couple of weeks.

Get the writing, and creativity, flowing again.

See you tomorrow?

It's been a while...

It's been so long.

Here's what's been going on. I had one kid, then another. Thing One / Nova was my first ever exposure to a kid. I'd never changed a diaper until he came along, and even then I deferred to the hubs or the NICU nurses before I forced myself to overcome that ?fear?.

He is my first. So I always wondered during tough times, was it just me? Or was it also him?

Turns out, it was us both.

Thing One and mommy, about a week ago

He starts First Grade this August. He's currently being (re-)evaluated for an IEP (Individualised Education Plan). ADHD. ODD. ASD. SPD. The journey to these labels was a long one. And still ongoing because I don't think we have it quite right yet. But the labels help. I fought against getting labels. But now I seek them. Anything to help understand. Never in a million years would I have foreseen me medicating my kids. Yet here I am, seeking new meds, getting him a genetic test that should help identify which medications should help him, since the usual suspects seem to lose effectiveness.

So we can help him figure himself out.
So I don't keep reacting to him.
So I can be calm and supportive and nurturing.

Instead of the momster I found myself to be.

Turns out, if you have unresolved issues from childhood, and you have kids, well, those issues are going to make themselves known. 

me today, crying on the kitchen floor

Long story short: I suspect I too have some of his labels. And that they were beaten out of me and/or slapped into submission. I now accept my own labels of depression and anxiety. I have been seeking help. I know I am healing.

But I sure wish healing could take place in a vacuum.

I have missed writing/blogging. It kept me sane(r) way back when. Been trying to get back into it. Damn Facebook gets most of my thoughts.

Today I will try to shift my attention here more.

I hope to see you again.

Alarm!

I stopped wearing a watch over a decade ago ... and yet now my life is littered with alarms on my phone.  Here's what my day typically looks like, as told by my alarms:

I only recently figured out how to use the snooze function to my advantage: hit snooze, and use that extra 9 mins to get Nova actually ready to go, for example. 

At 3.30 it's time to hit the potty (or, start another potty battle) before leaving to get Nev. I like to have left the apartment by 4. See the buffer? We need it. Boy do we need it.

Always always always lots and lots and lots of buffer. On one hand it could be a bit stressful having it go off every 9 minutes. But. On the other hand, if you've got the timing down well, it's actually a good way to let go the responsibility of watching the clock...

I've managed to squeeze in many 9mins of focused play with him between the first & second "ready for bus?" alarms. And that is very much needed.

I just hope I don't keep adding alarms such that I have two or three screenshots to share in another post!

(For bedtime, mealtimes, I usually use an egg timer)