It's been a while...

It's been so long.

Here's what's been going on. I had one kid, then another. Thing One / Nova was my first ever exposure to a kid. I'd never changed a diaper until he came along, and even then I deferred to the hubs or the NICU nurses before I forced myself to overcome that ?fear?.

He is my first. So I always wondered during tough times, was it just me? Or was it also him?

Turns out, it was us both.

Thing One and mommy, about a week ago

He starts First Grade this August. He's currently being (re-)evaluated for an IEP (Individualised Education Plan). ADHD. ODD. ASD. SPD. The journey to these labels was a long one. And still ongoing because I don't think we have it quite right yet. But the labels help. I fought against getting labels. But now I seek them. Anything to help understand. Never in a million years would I have foreseen me medicating my kids. Yet here I am, seeking new meds, getting him a genetic test that should help identify which medications should help him, since the usual suspects seem to lose effectiveness.

So we can help him figure himself out.
So I don't keep reacting to him.
So I can be calm and supportive and nurturing.

Instead of the momster I found myself to be.

Turns out, if you have unresolved issues from childhood, and you have kids, well, those issues are going to make themselves known. 

me today, crying on the kitchen floor

Long story short: I suspect I too have some of his labels. And that they were beaten out of me and/or slapped into submission. I now accept my own labels of depression and anxiety. I have been seeking help. I know I am healing.

But I sure wish healing could take place in a vacuum.

I have missed writing/blogging. It kept me sane(r) way back when. Been trying to get back into it. Damn Facebook gets most of my thoughts.

Today I will try to shift my attention here more.

I hope to see you again.