Today I was moved to type some supportive words to two friends, relatively new ones (SPI-based, so 5+ years), not close at all really, but I have some fondness/connection/affinity for them for one reason or another ... both sent cries for help** out on FB today ... (** okay maybe not outright cries for help... but let's just say, I empathised with both their written and unwritten words, and was moved to respond with empathy, love and support.
It felt good.
Then it turned / I turned it into something else. Judging myself of narcissism. For needing self validation. Viewing my feeling good about it as a kind of *desperate* self-validation.
Underneath it all, it felt like a small child desperately wanting acknowledgment that "See? I *can* do good. I could matter."
Because a part of me was told / came to believe that I (she) doesn't matter.
That I was never good enough.
(Not Malay enough.)
(and so many and so much more....)
And I feel my brain and heart skitter skitter skitter away.
So today, I also will be spending time with that piece of me. Hugging. Reassuring. Showing her what we've done, what we've achieved, where we are, how we matter. At the same time acknowledging her, and her fears, her hurt, her resentment, her confusion. Her hurt. That's a huge one.
I turn 42 soon. As good an age as any to help my inner children heal, perhaps even assimilate.
I have been broken, so. long.
Sunday, July 20, 2014
The rational mind knows, in theory, that every kid is different. Yet I can't help but use Nova as an assumption/template for Nev. And of course I get reminded often how that set of assumptions/expectations do nothing except give me a sense of structure that really doesn't apply.
That's a lot of words to set up this post, haha.
With Nova, I was on the lookout for self-undressing, and poopy Picasso-ing. He never showed any inclination for this. I still kept him in onesies as long as I could. It's only now, at a little over 3 years old, he's started to Al Bundy himself.
Now, Nev ... she's been thrusting hands down her pants for a while already. There was once she did a sleep poopy Picasso -- I thought that was snot on her hand and nose when I got her that morning *shudder*. She also has taken her pants off so often already (Nova has yet to do that).
So today she not only took off her pants, but did a valiant job putting them back on.