It's been a while...

It's been so long.

Here's what's been going on. I had one kid, then another. Thing One / Nova was my first ever exposure to a kid. I'd never changed a diaper until he came along, and even then I deferred to the hubs or the NICU nurses before I forced myself to overcome that ?fear?.

He is my first. So I always wondered during tough times, was it just me? Or was it also him?

Turns out, it was us both.

Thing One and mommy, about a week ago

He starts First Grade this August. He's currently being (re-)evaluated for an IEP (Individualised Education Plan). ADHD. ODD. ASD. SPD. The journey to these labels was a long one. And still ongoing because I don't think we have it quite right yet. But the labels help. I fought against getting labels. But now I seek them. Anything to help understand. Never in a million years would I have foreseen me medicating my kids. Yet here I am, seeking new meds, getting him a genetic test that should help identify which medications should help him, since the usual suspects seem to lose effectiveness.

So we can help him figure himself out.
So I don't keep reacting to him.
So I can be calm and supportive and nurturing.

Instead of the momster I found myself to be.

Turns out, if you have unresolved issues from childhood, and you have kids, well, those issues are going to make themselves known. 

me today, crying on the kitchen floor

Long story short: I suspect I too have some of his labels. And that they were beaten out of me and/or slapped into submission. I now accept my own labels of depression and anxiety. I have been seeking help. I know I am healing.

But I sure wish healing could take place in a vacuum.

I have missed writing/blogging. It kept me sane(r) way back when. Been trying to get back into it. Damn Facebook gets most of my thoughts.

Today I will try to shift my attention here more.

I hope to see you again.

Bedtime

How the ideal evening has to go, for all our sanity's sake:

By 4.30: pick up Nev

By 5: home, potty

5.30/6pm : dinner

7pm: potty, jammies

7.30: storytime

7.50: last call (water, potty)/ last book

8pm: close the door 

Hard-learned schedule, that one. Leave a LOT of buffer. But try to have a good half hour of stories.

Unfortunately, ANYthing that threatens the above -- like beautiful weather that invites us to hit the park before dinner, therefore throwing it all off by an hour or so -- will make me all twitchy, even with the post-dinner buffer.

Yesterday I was prepared, so "pre-dinner" cheese, veggie pouch were part of the "get back to the car" enticement at the playground. Home at 6. Still closed the door on them at 8-ish.

Today, we have some family fun activities as Nova's school, smack in the middle of the dinner routine. Thinking to do something similar to yesterday.

May have to save my daily caffeination for the afternoon, rather than morning....!!!

TUOEMITimeout

Really having a tough time with time outs.

Totally subscribe to its use as a "behavior interrupter" as opposed to punishment. But often times, the behavior being interrupted has a huge emotional charge too. And when "that's three: go to (your room / the [thinking chair] / etc)" gets met with "No!", there's a whole 'nother battle fought to just get the kid to where he/she is to go, and by that time the No Talking (when you're angry) and No Emotion rules for parents are totally out the window and it takes a lot not to let things spiral out of control.

Here's Nev "in her room" just a few minutes ago, doing a great job pushing boundaries, and Mommy's buttons.

There are many more aspects and nuances to these situations, of course. Just want to get this morning's incidentS out here so they are not hamster wheel fodder.

Is it Monday yet?

Insomnia sucks

I think we went to bed at a reasonable (to us) time ...

1.45am: jolted wide awake by Nova crying something about "Get me out" ... Kosh went to investigate ... and found Nova ~under~ his bed??!! Of course Nev woke up with all this... Kosh calmed them down, left the room ... 

Then Nev starts wailing about losing her binky (oh how I hate that thing) ... 

I intervene ... I stay a while ... I leave ...

She wails ... and wails ... and wails ... finally quietens down

.... and sleep totally eludes me the rest of the night.

I'm going to be Red Light Mommy all bloody day, looks like.

Poor kids.