I'm reading again

 It's an uphill battle, rather like my blogging return, but yes, I'm reading again.

I don't remember* how this popped on my radar, but I read Nettle & Bone at the end of September. (* Now that I type it, I think it was a recommendation by A Mighty Girl on Facebook). A great fairy tale like story.

After that I somehow discovered the Magisterium series, and ended up going through all five of the books in the span of a couple of weeks, and the last three over a weekend. My therapist asked who/what I related to seeing how I consumed it. I don't know, in a way it was just something to read. I was reading for pleasure as well as "research" ... I am playing around with the idea of revisiting my Malaysian vampire in Chicago novel, which I set aside in 2009 or so, after I realised I was essentially rewriting my own life, and that there was no use pursuing it since it couldn't be published until some family members were on the other side of the veil.

I just finished Ghostlight by Marion Zimmer Bradley. It was ok. Here's my Good Reads review:

Ghostlight by Marion Zimmer Bradley
My rating: 3 of 5 stars

This was a dense book. Lots of details. I liked the setup of Truth being a paranormal analyst crunching numbers who didn't believe in magick, but who is drawn further and further into magickal shenanigans.

I hesitated when I saw this was considered a combination of romance with urban fantasy as I have little patience for romance, but the little there was didn't detract much from the story.

Overall a decent read, and I'm ambivalent about going on to other books in this series.

View all my reviews

I was curious what other novels she had written, as I know her primarily for The Mists of Avalon. Speaking of which, that's the next one to be read, reread actually, for the umpteenth time. It's been too long since I last read it. This book had such an impact on me when I first picked it up in college while taking an Arthurian Romance class. The whole concept of retelling the tale from the female characters' perspectives blew my mind, and the earth-based spirituality too. Can't wait to dive in again.

OMG it's been a month. Sigh. Maybe this comeback isn't working out after all...

 I found this meme/image saved as a draft post, apparently I was planning a post around this. No idea what pithy words I had in mind now, lol. 

I've had pretty eventful times, including a minivan with DANGER ENGINE OVERHEATING warnings, that was fun. Hopefully it's all sorted out now. I have to move forward as if I believe it is, my anxiety doesn't need yet another things to perseverate and catastrophize about....

What's on my mind today? It's the new moon, a good time for goal-setting. I don't have any goals. No wonder I feel stuck. I have nothing to move towards. Life is filled with work, and surviving. I've come a long way, but in no way am I thriving right now. So I'm wondering what goals to set for myself. 

Okay actually it just occurred to me that I do have a couple of financial goals established with my financial coach, but getting there means work and budgeting, which I'm doing as I can (taking the summer off was of course hard on the bank account). Save enough for a house down payment within the next 5 years. Seems unattainable when I have yet to properly set aside anything for this. Money has always just slipped between my fingers, I don't have a good grasp of it. Hence the financial coach. 

Part of me wants to sit for the SATs or something like that, so I am forced to study and crack all that rust off of my brain. What else can I work toward that would stimulate my brain and intellect??? Any ideas?

Fifty

 So I've lived this current lifetime, on this planet, for 50 years already.

I'm nowhere where I thought I would be if you asked me 5 years ago. Two years ago, even. We are nearing the two year mark of when my world fell apart. I'll be in the midst of another Breathwork weekend for this wretched anniversary, and the timing couldn't be better. My best healing is done through Shamanic Breathwork. 

But still. None of my past selves would have imagined me as I am now, navigating the single parent to two kids with additional needs kind of life.

I know I'm better off mentally, spiritually, than I have ever been. Even as I'm stressed about adulting stuff I'd not needed to worry about for a long time, once I got married. 

I've been in a funk for a while. Hoping my starting work again will help shift some energy around. I continue to struggle to implement any sort of consistent routine for myself. I have some down time now, though, so I'll sign off and meditate for a bit.

Ciao

Lynne 7:05am

No more room

 A year ago, I committed to a lease for a massage room. I was done playing small and working out of friends' offices. I wanted my own space. Found a room at a reasonable rate, moved my stuff in, and ... ... froze? The reality of having to put myself out there (whatever that means) froze me.  I was supposed to also step into coaching, instead I was overcome by imposter syndrome almost immediately. Other services I wanted to expand into just didn't happen.

Today, I just moved all my stuff out.

I tried. I might not have given it my 100%, but I tried. It didn't work out.

I'm glad I tried it out, though.

But how I am going to survive, you ask? I am also employed at a local massage salon, and the relatively steady work and paycheck are what I need right now. I'm also working with a financial coach to get my finances in order, and start saving up for a house down payment. Scary thought, but hey I can save and use it for something else, like return plane tickets to my birth country, maybe. 

Anyway. I'm done for today. It's just past 1pm and I don't plan to do anything except read and doomscroll on FB.

Ciao!

Lynne

1:05pm

School!

The kids are back in school!

First thing on my calendar? A massage!

Exclamation points!!

Seriously though, wow, we made it through the summer. Giving myself a nice pat on the back. 

Entering 6th Grade, T1 starts JUNIOR HIGH / MIDDLE SCHOOL. New building, new schedule, new people, long day ... I have no plans for anything this afternoon, I expect him to be utterly knackered once he gets home.

Entering 5th Grade, T2 starts her last year in elementary school. She's not a fan of a couple of her classmates, she forgot her water bottle, refused to pose nicely for a picture this morning ... but I anticipate a smooth day for her. She usually has troubles on the 3rd day, if old patterns still hold true. I don't expect issues, though. 

Glad to have moved into this phase of life again. 

With the kids in school, I can start working again. I start on Monday. My birthday, wheeee!

1:10pm

A fasting of sorts

I hope I don't jinx this, but I'm on Day 3 of a spur of the moment decision three days ago to consciously limit when I eat, and to sorta fast for extended periods of time.

 

So far so good. Again, I'm on Day 3. I'm cautiously optimistic. This helps me be more disciplined in the middle of the day - hungry? drink water instead! I mean, I KNOW that, but without this structure/goal in place I wasn't doing that, and snacking instead. 

I've probably drank more water in the past two days than the past week (I'm atrocious at hydrating), which was also a side goal. Maybe 40 fl oz a day. Still much lower that I should be drinking, but that's okay, it's moving in the right direction. Better than just a mouthful for pills, right?

A key strategy is brushing teeth at 7:30am / 6:30pm, that really helps with talking myself out of snacking, trying to keep my mouth fresh as long as possible :)

Due to some medications I can't go down to just one meal a day, which is where I'd like to end up. This means getting some other health issues under control / eliminated. In the meantime, as I acclimatize to this structure, I can eliminate the afternoon / pre-dinner snack and increase the day fast a little longer. 

Lots of moving parts. Glad that I'm moving along with them.

I am proud of myself for starting this up, and for being able to go with it for these few days. Here's to many many more!

Lynne

7:50am

School supplies

 The start of school is rearing its head ... and Thing One's supply list was just issued:

Anxious me can't handle the nebulousness of "packages of pens/pencils" ... can't y'all just give me the number of items instead? At least I know colored pencils come in a pretty standard package (of 10? 12?). 

Out of all the items listed, I only need to actually go out and get one composition notebook, and one package of pens. 

That'll happen tomorrow.

Today it's 88F and climbing, and "feels like" 100F and climbing. I ain't going out in this weather.

Lynne

11:40am

Align

It's been a while, thanks to a Shamanic Breathwork Workshop last weekend, recovery from that, packing the kids for their extended time with their father, doing the handoff, then finding myself in the kidfree vacuum.   

 

I am happy to report that I am doing well with the non-hustling, although I'm struggling with the alignment part. I'm in a limbo of sorts. I have about a week of kidfree time, and I have some deliverables done, and it's a challenge to not keep asking myself what else I can do while the kids are out of my hair, and to instead just ... chill ... and do this rest, recovery, and reflection thing.

Instead, I am spending a lot of time binge watching the rebooted Charmed series (currently in early Season 3), even as it has gotten rather boring for me. I'm seeing glimpses and memories of Angel as I watch, too. I still want to see it through to the end. Thank goodness there's just this and Season 4 to go, LoL. Then what do I do?

Lynne

7:30am

Prolific?

With this post, I'll have posted more in the past couple of weeks than I did in 2015, 2016 & 2017 combined!

The year 2006 was my most prolific year, with 426 posts. That certainly was a happening year. So long ago. A distant memory of old history.

It's a new world now.

New words. New life.

Lynne

12:35pm

tv

 I'm not sure how long I've been doing this, probably about a year: I've been making my way through the entire Law & Order: Special Victims Unit (SVU) series. I would check IMDB and hop over to the relevant Chicago P.D. episode for the occasional crossover refresher. Sadly, peacock doesn't have the first season of Law & Order: Organized Crime available, so I have missed out on some additional details/background once Detective Stabler was back in town. I'm on the most recent season (23!!) of SVU now, almost all caught up.

Perhaps sensing that I was winding down my SVU journey, I recently found myself randomly searching Netflix for something to watch... and have started down a silly rabbit hole: Charmed! Now, I might have watched one episode of the original series, so I am not going to pretend to compare this reboot with the original. It's a little campy, many characters seem two-dimensional, but it's surprisingly bearable. The magic aspect amuses me to no end, and I like how there's this overarching theme running through at least the first season (I'm about halfway through) in addition to the demon of the week issue. I do appreciate the calling out of the patriarchy, the non-straight relationships, and non-white main characters. This reboot totally embraces current technology, and often has the girls taking pictures of the relevant page of the Book of Spells, and reading the spell off of their phones, I think that's just funny and awesome combined. 

I used to watch the One Chicago series (Chicago Fire, P.D., and Med), stopped when we moved, but I'm assuming they are also available on peacock; I plan on picking up where I left off for these three. The challenge is to watch them in order of airing, rather than picking one and watching straight through; lots of crossover themes, right? I'll probably start this once I'm done with SVU. 

I don't have a DVR / access to anything streaming except peacock (thanks, Xfinity/Flex!) anymore since we moved, and the only thing I miss is Doctor Who. Watched the first season with Jodie Whitaker, then no more DVR/cable. Oh well, one day I'll be able to catch up again. I'd start at the reboot / Nine again, though, I need a refresher :) "Are you my mummy?"

No I don't think about tv all day, nor do I watch it all day. However, this is how I unwind once the kids are in bed: I watch between 1-3 episodes of SOMEthing before I myself turn in. More recently (read: the past couple of days) I've taken to sneaking in an episode of Charmed on my phone during the day when both kids are otherwise occupied and I would otherwise spend the time doomscrolling on FB. I do have some summer deliverables, though, so I need to get on that too.

Lynne

8:50am

The Oneders!

Woke up this morning to "That Thing You Do!" by The Wonders playing in my head. 

I'm know I had dreams too, but don't remember them, which is usually par for the course. Sometimes I have the most vivid dreams, but they are few and far between. 

The first dream I ever remember remembering was back as a teenager, I dreamt about Michael J Fox doing stand-up comedy, and his stage name was so funny that when I woke up I immediately scrawled it into my diary, and that's the only reason I can still remember it today: Runt McSize!

Other dreams have involved me being trapped in the back seat of a moving car. In an earlier one from 2018, I contemplate opening the door but can't, even as I'm screaming on the inside bc my son is in danger. In a later one (2020?), it's different circumstances but there I am in the back seat needing to get out, and I do, pulling my son's blanket around me for protection as I throw myself out. A more recent dream this year had me in charge of my own car, yay! Back in June 2020 I even had a premonition --clear only on hindsight-- of the fate of my marriage/relationship with my then husband. I also had a convoluted dream with a guest appearance by Joe Biden.  

I attend a Dream Circle every once in a while, not only to bring my dream to share, but to just participate in listening to others' dreams, and sharing what they might mean to me, in my imagined version of the dream. It is here that a flash of a scene --searing broccoli but needing to leave-- can still be explored and deep meaning teased out of it.

Everything in dreams are an aspect of yourself. 

It's validating, going from helpless in a car, to driving my own car, it says a lot about development of my sense of self over the years.

I hold on to wins like these.

Lynne

9:00am

summer break

 We have entered Phase III of summer break.

Phase I was the first 1.5 weeks after school let out for the summer. I didn't attempt to drag the kids out to parks or anything, we all just kinda chilled with screens, all of us recovering from school in our own way.

Phase II was the following four weeks where Thing One (referred to as Nova in old posts) attended an extended school year (ESY) four days a week. External demand and structure helped with a routine of sorts. 

And now Phase III ... ESY is over, and school starts in a month. I have them for a week, then their father has them for about 10 days of vacation, then I get them back for another 2 weeks before school starts up again. Not much time to settle into much of a routine before things get changed around.

I'm both dreading and looking forward to school starting up.

Dreading: T1 starts Junior High (Middle School) (6th Grade). New building. New people. New schedule. Different expectations. I'm preparing my buffer for issues.

Looking forward: I work when the kids are in school. I took the summer off because we've had issues with daycare albeit when they were younger, but this mama has a rather catastrophic view of the world, so I hesitate at sending them back into daycare. Also, they are aging out of daycare anyway, yikes! An hourly  in-home sitter would cost an arm and a leg. So my solution for this summer was to take the summer off. Perhaps another solution can pop up before next summer. I'm looking forward to earning a living again and addressing my financial worries and woes.

Lynne

9:50am

Yarn too

I tried my hand at another type of yarn, this time the brand originally recommended, it's 100% acrylic and wow it's a lot easier to work with than the 100% cotton one I'd started off with.

I could much more easily make a line of stitches.

 I even managed to "turn around" and make a second line of stitches.

But I gotta be honest, this is not calling to me. Unsure whether to keep going, or say "Hey, I tried" and move on.

Lynne 

6:35am

Orange you glad …

So I bought some (orange) yarn, I suspect it might not be the right kind, but I couldn't find the specific brand I'd been recommended. Oh well. Managed to figure out enough to make a line of stitches ...

 ... but faltered when it was time to "turn around." More YouTube tutorials are in my future, for sure.

Now, orange you glad I'm keeping y'all up to date on my crochet?

And that "orange" joke makes my kids moan groan cringe you name it, I've overused it so much I keep using it precisely because it's "my" bad joke now, LoL!

Lynne 

7:10am

... more like no-chet

 Crochet? More like no-chet. Seriously. I opened the box, started reading the instructions, and my eyes both glazed over and went cross-eyed. Sigh. So much for that attempt at doing something different. The question now is: hold on to the box in the hopes that I pick up simpler crocheting experience first, or just let it all go?

Lynne

Mon July 11 2022, 11:05am 

Crochet

 Discussing hobbies / things that bring me joy / that are fun, a friend of mine gifted me this:

I remember way back when, in primary school years, I had attempted to crochet, made a couple of lines, messed it up, and never took it up again.

Decades later, I think I'm game to try again.

The Star Wars theme certainly looks fun.

I'll get started ... mañana :)

G'nite!

Lynne 

July 10 2022, 10pm

Work update

 A quick note for today. It's a busy weekend as over the summer I am using my fortnightly kidfree weekends for either work (I'm still a massage therapist) or self-care (Shamanic Breathwork). Today is a work weekend.

Speaking of work... I decided recently to give up my room in BloNo, in addition to throwing in the towel on Yomassage(R), and focus on making a living via the local massage salon where I work when the kids are in school. I'm slowly moving stuff out, selling stuff off. I tried doing this all alone thing, but just didn't have the capacity at this time to give it my all. So I'll withdraw, recoup, and try again in a couple of years. I'm not beating myself up over it: I tried, it didn't work out, I'm moving on.

Currently wearing: one of my massage shirts "KEEP CALM AND LET THE MASSAGE THERAPIST HANDLE IT" 

Peace out

Lynne

Saturday July 9th 2022, 7:05am

Hello there, try #37,256

Testing, testing, one two three years? 
Yeah, three years since my last post. And who knows how long since I last posted regularly? I used to blog daily. Hoping to get back into the habit. Facebook has stolen so many posts that belonged here. I also need to get back into a daily writing habit. Old school attempts with pen and paper peter out reapidly. So here I am. Better to spend some time in front of the laptop screen, I'm sure my doomscrolling on FB won't mind. 
What's new? So many things. I'm now flying solo, with two kids in tow. They are now 10 & 11 years old. The older one is starting Junior High / 6th Grade come August. 

The kids, December 2021

They say time flies when you're having fun. I disagree. Time flies whether you like it or not. The past couple of years have NOT been fun. I'm better off than I ever was, however, so there's that.
Biggest recent news is I'm participating in a collaborative book about COVID experiences, and when that gets released, I'll be a published author! Yes, it counts. And yes, this is one of the reasons I'm pushing myself to write daily again: I have many stories inside me, maybe I can finally get them out into the world. 
In the meantime? Getting through every day while trying to make progresss, however infinitesimal, towards goals relating to fitness, friends, faith, financials, field, family and fun.
Type at you tomorrow. Or Monday. It's a busy weekend. 
Ciao!LynneFriday July 8 2022 9:45 am CST