Fifty

 So I've lived this current lifetime, on this planet, for 50 years already.

I'm nowhere where I thought I would be if you asked me 5 years ago. Two years ago, even. We are nearing the two year mark of when my world fell apart. I'll be in the midst of another Breathwork weekend for this wretched anniversary, and the timing couldn't be better. My best healing is done through Shamanic Breathwork. 

But still. None of my past selves would have imagined me as I am now, navigating the single parent to two kids with additional needs kind of life.

I know I'm better off mentally, spiritually, than I have ever been. Even as I'm stressed about adulting stuff I'd not needed to worry about for a long time, once I got married. 

I've been in a funk for a while. Hoping my starting work again will help shift some energy around. I continue to struggle to implement any sort of consistent routine for myself. I have some down time now, though, so I'll sign off and meditate for a bit.

Ciao

Lynne 7:05am

No more room

 A year ago, I committed to a lease for a massage room. I was done playing small and working out of friends' offices. I wanted my own space. Found a room at a reasonable rate, moved my stuff in, and ... ... froze? The reality of having to put myself out there (whatever that means) froze me.  I was supposed to also step into coaching, instead I was overcome by imposter syndrome almost immediately. Other services I wanted to expand into just didn't happen.

Today, I just moved all my stuff out.

I tried. I might not have given it my 100%, but I tried. It didn't work out.

I'm glad I tried it out, though.

But how I am going to survive, you ask? I am also employed at a local massage salon, and the relatively steady work and paycheck are what I need right now. I'm also working with a financial coach to get my finances in order, and start saving up for a house down payment. Scary thought, but hey I can save and use it for something else, like return plane tickets to my birth country, maybe. 

Anyway. I'm done for today. It's just past 1pm and I don't plan to do anything except read and doomscroll on FB.

Ciao!

Lynne

1:05pm

School!

The kids are back in school!

First thing on my calendar? A massage!

Exclamation points!!

Seriously though, wow, we made it through the summer. Giving myself a nice pat on the back. 

Entering 6th Grade, T1 starts JUNIOR HIGH / MIDDLE SCHOOL. New building, new schedule, new people, long day ... I have no plans for anything this afternoon, I expect him to be utterly knackered once he gets home.

Entering 5th Grade, T2 starts her last year in elementary school. She's not a fan of a couple of her classmates, she forgot her water bottle, refused to pose nicely for a picture this morning ... but I anticipate a smooth day for her. She usually has troubles on the 3rd day, if old patterns still hold true. I don't expect issues, though. 

Glad to have moved into this phase of life again. 

With the kids in school, I can start working again. I start on Monday. My birthday, wheeee!

1:10pm

A fasting of sorts

I hope I don't jinx this, but I'm on Day 3 of a spur of the moment decision three days ago to consciously limit when I eat, and to sorta fast for extended periods of time.

 

So far so good. Again, I'm on Day 3. I'm cautiously optimistic. This helps me be more disciplined in the middle of the day - hungry? drink water instead! I mean, I KNOW that, but without this structure/goal in place I wasn't doing that, and snacking instead. 

I've probably drank more water in the past two days than the past week (I'm atrocious at hydrating), which was also a side goal. Maybe 40 fl oz a day. Still much lower that I should be drinking, but that's okay, it's moving in the right direction. Better than just a mouthful for pills, right?

A key strategy is brushing teeth at 7:30am / 6:30pm, that really helps with talking myself out of snacking, trying to keep my mouth fresh as long as possible :)

Due to some medications I can't go down to just one meal a day, which is where I'd like to end up. This means getting some other health issues under control / eliminated. In the meantime, as I acclimatize to this structure, I can eliminate the afternoon / pre-dinner snack and increase the day fast a little longer. 

Lots of moving parts. Glad that I'm moving along with them.

I am proud of myself for starting this up, and for being able to go with it for these few days. Here's to many many more!

Lynne

7:50am

School supplies

 The start of school is rearing its head ... and Thing One's supply list was just issued:

Anxious me can't handle the nebulousness of "packages of pens/pencils" ... can't y'all just give me the number of items instead? At least I know colored pencils come in a pretty standard package (of 10? 12?). 

Out of all the items listed, I only need to actually go out and get one composition notebook, and one package of pens. 

That'll happen tomorrow.

Today it's 88F and climbing, and "feels like" 100F and climbing. I ain't going out in this weather.

Lynne

11:40am