I'm reading again

 It's an uphill battle, rather like my blogging return, but yes, I'm reading again.

I don't remember* how this popped on my radar, but I read Nettle & Bone at the end of September. (* Now that I type it, I think it was a recommendation by A Mighty Girl on Facebook). A great fairy tale like story.

After that I somehow discovered the Magisterium series, and ended up going through all five of the books in the span of a couple of weeks, and the last three over a weekend. My therapist asked who/what I related to seeing how I consumed it. I don't know, in a way it was just something to read. I was reading for pleasure as well as "research" ... I am playing around with the idea of revisiting my Malaysian vampire in Chicago novel, which I set aside in 2009 or so, after I realised I was essentially rewriting my own life, and that there was no use pursuing it since it couldn't be published until some family members were on the other side of the veil.

I just finished Ghostlight by Marion Zimmer Bradley. It was ok. Here's my Good Reads review:

Ghostlight by Marion Zimmer Bradley
My rating: 3 of 5 stars

This was a dense book. Lots of details. I liked the setup of Truth being a paranormal analyst crunching numbers who didn't believe in magick, but who is drawn further and further into magickal shenanigans.

I hesitated when I saw this was considered a combination of romance with urban fantasy as I have little patience for romance, but the little there was didn't detract much from the story.

Overall a decent read, and I'm ambivalent about going on to other books in this series.

View all my reviews

I was curious what other novels she had written, as I know her primarily for The Mists of Avalon. Speaking of which, that's the next one to be read, reread actually, for the umpteenth time. It's been too long since I last read it. This book had such an impact on me when I first picked it up in college while taking an Arthurian Romance class. The whole concept of retelling the tale from the female characters' perspectives blew my mind, and the earth-based spirituality too. Can't wait to dive in again.

OMG it's been a month. Sigh. Maybe this comeback isn't working out after all...

 I found this meme/image saved as a draft post, apparently I was planning a post around this. No idea what pithy words I had in mind now, lol. 

I've had pretty eventful times, including a minivan with DANGER ENGINE OVERHEATING warnings, that was fun. Hopefully it's all sorted out now. I have to move forward as if I believe it is, my anxiety doesn't need yet another things to perseverate and catastrophize about....

What's on my mind today? It's the new moon, a good time for goal-setting. I don't have any goals. No wonder I feel stuck. I have nothing to move towards. Life is filled with work, and surviving. I've come a long way, but in no way am I thriving right now. So I'm wondering what goals to set for myself. 

Okay actually it just occurred to me that I do have a couple of financial goals established with my financial coach, but getting there means work and budgeting, which I'm doing as I can (taking the summer off was of course hard on the bank account). Save enough for a house down payment within the next 5 years. Seems unattainable when I have yet to properly set aside anything for this. Money has always just slipped between my fingers, I don't have a good grasp of it. Hence the financial coach. 

Part of me wants to sit for the SATs or something like that, so I am forced to study and crack all that rust off of my brain. What else can I work toward that would stimulate my brain and intellect??? Any ideas?

Fifty

 So I've lived this current lifetime, on this planet, for 50 years already.

I'm nowhere where I thought I would be if you asked me 5 years ago. Two years ago, even. We are nearing the two year mark of when my world fell apart. I'll be in the midst of another Breathwork weekend for this wretched anniversary, and the timing couldn't be better. My best healing is done through Shamanic Breathwork. 

But still. None of my past selves would have imagined me as I am now, navigating the single parent to two kids with additional needs kind of life.

I know I'm better off mentally, spiritually, than I have ever been. Even as I'm stressed about adulting stuff I'd not needed to worry about for a long time, once I got married. 

I've been in a funk for a while. Hoping my starting work again will help shift some energy around. I continue to struggle to implement any sort of consistent routine for myself. I have some down time now, though, so I'll sign off and meditate for a bit.

Ciao

Lynne 7:05am

No more room

 A year ago, I committed to a lease for a massage room. I was done playing small and working out of friends' offices. I wanted my own space. Found a room at a reasonable rate, moved my stuff in, and ... ... froze? The reality of having to put myself out there (whatever that means) froze me.  I was supposed to also step into coaching, instead I was overcome by imposter syndrome almost immediately. Other services I wanted to expand into just didn't happen.

Today, I just moved all my stuff out.

I tried. I might not have given it my 100%, but I tried. It didn't work out.

I'm glad I tried it out, though.

But how I am going to survive, you ask? I am also employed at a local massage salon, and the relatively steady work and paycheck are what I need right now. I'm also working with a financial coach to get my finances in order, and start saving up for a house down payment. Scary thought, but hey I can save and use it for something else, like return plane tickets to my birth country, maybe. 

Anyway. I'm done for today. It's just past 1pm and I don't plan to do anything except read and doomscroll on FB.

Ciao!

Lynne

1:05pm

School!

The kids are back in school!

First thing on my calendar? A massage!

Exclamation points!!

Seriously though, wow, we made it through the summer. Giving myself a nice pat on the back. 

Entering 6th Grade, T1 starts JUNIOR HIGH / MIDDLE SCHOOL. New building, new schedule, new people, long day ... I have no plans for anything this afternoon, I expect him to be utterly knackered once he gets home.

Entering 5th Grade, T2 starts her last year in elementary school. She's not a fan of a couple of her classmates, she forgot her water bottle, refused to pose nicely for a picture this morning ... but I anticipate a smooth day for her. She usually has troubles on the 3rd day, if old patterns still hold true. I don't expect issues, though. 

Glad to have moved into this phase of life again. 

With the kids in school, I can start working again. I start on Monday. My birthday, wheeee!

1:10pm

A fasting of sorts

I hope I don't jinx this, but I'm on Day 3 of a spur of the moment decision three days ago to consciously limit when I eat, and to sorta fast for extended periods of time.

 

So far so good. Again, I'm on Day 3. I'm cautiously optimistic. This helps me be more disciplined in the middle of the day - hungry? drink water instead! I mean, I KNOW that, but without this structure/goal in place I wasn't doing that, and snacking instead. 

I've probably drank more water in the past two days than the past week (I'm atrocious at hydrating), which was also a side goal. Maybe 40 fl oz a day. Still much lower that I should be drinking, but that's okay, it's moving in the right direction. Better than just a mouthful for pills, right?

A key strategy is brushing teeth at 7:30am / 6:30pm, that really helps with talking myself out of snacking, trying to keep my mouth fresh as long as possible :)

Due to some medications I can't go down to just one meal a day, which is where I'd like to end up. This means getting some other health issues under control / eliminated. In the meantime, as I acclimatize to this structure, I can eliminate the afternoon / pre-dinner snack and increase the day fast a little longer. 

Lots of moving parts. Glad that I'm moving along with them.

I am proud of myself for starting this up, and for being able to go with it for these few days. Here's to many many more!

Lynne

7:50am

School supplies

 The start of school is rearing its head ... and Thing One's supply list was just issued:

Anxious me can't handle the nebulousness of "packages of pens/pencils" ... can't y'all just give me the number of items instead? At least I know colored pencils come in a pretty standard package (of 10? 12?). 

Out of all the items listed, I only need to actually go out and get one composition notebook, and one package of pens. 

That'll happen tomorrow.

Today it's 88F and climbing, and "feels like" 100F and climbing. I ain't going out in this weather.

Lynne

11:40am