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Catching up : October 21st 2005

Friday 21st October

I think today was the day a lady came to help clean my g'ma. Part of the things that have been arranged, that my mom will watch/assess, in relation to making a decision whether to send my g'ma to a home or if she can still manage on her own.

Nothing else remotely exciting happens in the morning.

I am going out of my head in boredom.

Mother can't walk in her shoes due to those nasty blisters. Great, I'm more than happy to walk alone, anyway. So I go for a quick walk - about an hour total. Would have been longer, but the path i wanted to take today would have involved crossing a herd of cows. Didn't feel like walking among them, just in case they got cranky for some reason. Nor did I want to have to step gingerly over the droppings they were sure to have left all over the path.

I get back, and mom seems somehow surprised that I am back "so fast." I wonder what she is insinuating. I never gave any indication of how long *i* expected to be. What's her deal?

Later, I'm at the living room table hunched over my book. G'ma asks me if I'm pregnant.

Yes, you read that right.

Cheque please!
I'm ready to head back to the U.S. now.

I am still reeling from this, even now. Not even going to start on who does she think she is, who does she think I am, etc etc etc...

Anyways, after I look at her like she is crazy, and snap, no, spit, a "No" at her, my mom whispers something like well, you *have* [blows out cheeks, and bends both elbows out a bit, to indicate fat / weight gain / chubbyness] since she last saw you.

My mood turns even blacker. Partly because that is the first (and only) time my mother has made any reference to my weight/size since I got here. And because she can't even SAY it, but makes the actions instead. And because I realise that, unlike any other pseudo-stupid-conversations started by a stupid question by my g'ma, my mother, who had to translate the question for me in the first place, did not butt in with an "Of course not," or equivalent, which she would have done in any other circumstance, for any other topic.


I want out.

To top it off: later in the evening, when Dinny (her sister, my aunt, remember?) calls to confirm arrangements cos we are heading to visit her & family for the day, mom didn't have to say anything about what transpires, right? Ah, but she did. So the tale passes on to my aunt. And they proceed to have a whole conversation about me. I hear my mother's side of the conversation, but it's enough to put my blood at a high boil. Yeah she's really bloated. What do you expect, she's not doing any activities. i don't know how she can stand it. I hope she'll snap out of it soon. On and on and on and on. All this, knowing that I can understand every word she says.

Ah well, you ask for it, you get it. I school my face into impassiveness. I know that from now on, conversations with me will be hell for one and all. My responses believe will be sharp, curt, sarcastic, everything. You want to be a vampire, fine. I'll respond with energy-drainage of my own.

Behind the blank and impassive facade, I was crying tears of anger and frustration. Went to the room and text'ed Kosh like 5 messages in a row describing what had happened and how shitty I felt and how angry I was and how I knew if anyone was to raise anything about my weight I was *so* going to blow up and turn the air blue all around.

Went to the bathroom to wash tears off my face, under the guise of getting ready for bed: wash face, brush teeth, etc. Then I buried myself in my book. Even if I kept reading the same page over and over while my thoughts churned and my blood boiled. And my tears threatened to fall.

And dreading the visit D & family the next day: I wouldn't put it past her hubby Marty to make just the wrong kind of comments that would set me off.

I think this was the night I slept at 1130pm, woke up at 130am, then stayed awake until finally dozing off at 730am, waking again at 930am because I needed to get ready to go out and catch the train. My eyes were still burning from unshed tears. Fun.


  1. :( Having struggled with weight all my life, that "conversation" sucks. My sympathies.


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